Happy? Birthday!

well, today is my birthday. and i'm not sure how i'm supposed to feel about that. first a little background - i was born january 6, 1978. an unimportant day to many. it is the precursor of my bad luck however because this is the day that my family mourns the death of my uncle who passed away january 6, 1974. without shoving a bunch of crap that you don't believe in down your throat, i firmly believe that i am a reincarnation of my uncle. i have thoughts that don't make sense to me. memories that aren't mine. i can tell you all about the farm that used to exist across the road from the house i grew up in - only it was wasn't a farm any longer by the time i entered the world. and you know it's the strangest feeling in the world - but i miss him. i never got to meet the guy. but yet i miss him. like i've known him all my life and just lost him yesterday. ah but perhaps it's all in my messed up mind....
so last night my sister asked me where i was going to move next. i think i surprised her when on my list of "must haves" in a town i included a river. i grew up next to a river. it comforts me. i used to go down to the water when i was in a particularly bad funk and just watch it rush past me. i would think to myself that the water rushing by me is the past - and the water rushing towards me is the future. i've cast a lot of bad feelings out upon that water to be swept far away in the rivers strong embrace. i think that's part of my problem here - on the ocean. no river. you can throw your troubles out there, but they just keep coming back. they have no where to go.
so where to next? i've done the rockies. i've done the okanagan...sort of. now i've done the ocean. for reasons that i can't quite sort out in my head i have a desire to be closer to my older sister. we are 8 years apart, and have never seen eye to eye. we don't have much in common. i can't stand her husband. and yet i think about heading in her direction. something happened between us when everyone started dying last year. and it wasn't a big sobbing sloppy hug or any other type of sappy emotional bonding. some sort of telecommunication occured that made it okay to talk to each other. i talked to her on the phone for two and a half hours last night. we never talk that long. and about nothing really. i was going to remind her that it was my birthday tomorrow....but i guess it's really not important. after all....it's not my birthday.....it's my uncles death day. *sigh*
so i'm taking myself out on the town tonight. drinks here at work to start, dinner, and a hockey game. should be fun. i was thinking of taking myself out to a pub after the game so that i could sit and properly wallow in my misery, but perhaps i will leave that for another day. it's funny - when i'm alone i don't feel alone. it's when i'm around other people that that fact hits home. i am never more lonely than when i am surrounded by smiling, happy, healthy people.
well....i want to keep going because anything is better than sitting here staring at my computer sreen hoping that either someone will give me some work to do or send me an email to read......
but i suppose i don't need to subject cyperspace to my irrational ramblings any longer. i will go for now....consider that a warning that i will be back. my cousin once told me that i'm selfish. and i suppose that's true. because i really don't care that i'm most likely boring the cyber world to tears. after all, it's all about me...