Rants of a Bawling Lunatic

I found the most wonderful group of caring people here tonight. I lost my baby girl in October of last year. She had cancer. I think. It's all so confused in my mind. I got home from my grandfathers funeral and noticed that she was sick. After some time (lost in my own self pity probably way too much time) I took her to the vet. They told me a bunch of bullshit. Said that I should try to force pills down her throat and see how it went. I'm stupid. I did it. They ran tests. They wouldn't give me the results. I took her to another vet. They ran tests. Told me to take her home. I called back the minute I walked through the door. She wasn't drinking. She was sick. She was crying. I took her back. We sat in an examination room. She was so quiet. The door was open. She was trying to rest but the fucking door was open. I wanted to close it but thought for some reason that they would forget we were waiting if I did. And so my last sight of her was watching her desperately trying to get some rest in her tiny little carrier with her tail wrapped around her grey velvet nose after a night spent trying to force just a tiny bit of liquid down her throat because just a tiny bit would help her if she would only drink just a tiny bit it would be better.......the vet came and told me that they would admit her. please go and pay. i thought i should turn around and say goodbye. but that would be silly, right? i would be back tomorrow to pick her up, right? but tomorrow brought news that wasn't good. they told me that i could bring her home eventually - maybe - with a feeding tube. they told me that there was still hope. they made my heart break into a million razor sharp pieces when they told me that it was most likely cancer...but it was too early to say. they wanted me to torture her. more tests. more tubes. i said no. they said yes. i shed a million tears a million times over and insisted no. they asked if i wanted to see her one more time. i said no. how could i. what would i say to her. to my beautiful baby girl who depended on me. me. who probably just made the worst possible decision. the decision to let her go instead of hanging in there. she could still be here. oh my god i wish i didn't kill my cat. they told me about feeding tubes and catheters and blood tests and i got scared. i knew she was in pain. but she could have made it. she loved me. and i let her down. let her down...ha. i fucking let her go. just like that. and it doesn't get easier. it gets harder. every day is harder than the last. it's all so selfish. it was selfish of me to bring her home in the first place. the tiny sweetheart of a kitten. it was selfish of me to let her go. and it is selfish of me to want her back. but i do. i want her back. she was scared of my kisses. i don't blame her one bit.