And More Thoughts. And More Thoughts. Rambling On.

why all this death thought lately? it surrounds me somehow....when i wake up. in the shower. surfing the net. totally out of nowhere i get blindsided by the fact that somewhere deep - way deep - i actually did love her.
"no matter how you feel about your parents now, you will miss them when they are gone"
- source unknown
how fucked up is that? she messed up my life royally when she was around. (the very short span of my life when she was actually around) and now that she is gone (totally prematurely....hell when we cleaned out the apartment it looked like she was actually pulling it together) her memory torments me. i always thought that once she was gone i could finally say goodbye without guilt. that our turbulant relationship would finally rest. but no. and i've forgiven her. it's not that i'm still fuming over some of the things that she's done. maybe it's because i feel ripped off because i never had a mother. i never had someone that kissed my booboos better. or picked me up from school. or consoled a broken heart. or told me how to make cabbage rolls. she never loved me. or if she did she managed to forget about it in her constantly intoxicated state. and yet i mourn her more now than when she first died. why? why can't i just say goodbye and be done with it? or for that matter - when i think about some of the pain she's caused me - why aren't i out there dancing on her grave? why does she haunt me?