Are You Ready For This

Alright, so i've had a few people email and otherwise enquire about my fucked up family. grab a glass of wine. hell, grab the bottle..here we go.

my mom was 15 when she found out she was pregnant with me. my dad and his family conveniently moved out of town when they found out about the little situation. now, of course my moms story and my dads familys story differ in regards to what actually happened here and i've resigned myself to the fact that i may never know. so, mom being too young (really just too busy partying) to take care of me i ended up living with my aunt. (yes, it's the same aunt in the death talk feature earlier this month)

my aunt had been married, had one daughter, divorced, and moved back in with her parents. and so i was raised with my aunt as my mom, my cousin as my older (much older) sister, and my grandparents being called mom and dad.

my mom went on to have another long term though extremely abusive relationship resulting in my younger brother and sister. years and years and years later she came to her senses and left the abusive drunken asshole and moved back to her home town. while i always knew that she was my real mom, and she would send gifts and visit when she could, it wasn't until a few years after she moved back to the home town that i really had anything to say to her. now i don't know if i would say that we are fast friends, but we talk, usually weekly, and i go out to visit once or twice a year.

so...lets see....where were we....

dad. right. so he buggered off and i never heard from him. never even really questioned why he wasn't around. years later - i was probably around 10 years old - my mom decided to try to contact him. one extremely awkward phone call later we found out that he had passed away from a brain tumor...or anurism...or something like that.

in the interim, dad had managed to hook up to a woman who had two children (older) from a previous marriage. so i suppose these would be considered my step brother and sister...sort of...i guess. and despite doctors orders to not have a child due to the treatments he was undergoing at the time, he went right ahead and had a daughter - my sister (younger)

so. dad croaks...hey it was inevitable i suppose....and "step mom" goes on to marry dads uncle (i think is how it goes) and they had another girl...solving the mystery of how i have a half sister who is also my third cousin.

*whew* still with me?

after my mom had originally contacted my dads parents there was supposedly a meeting arranged for me and these grandparents. the aunt for some reason was always extremely freaked out about any involvement with them and put a stop to it. people tell me that it was because she was afraid of losing me to a biological family. i don't buy that. though i was too young to really remember i think it was probably that she didn't want more people to realize just what a waste case she was rapidly becoming at this point.

and so no one really followed up with it.

i always thought it strange that these grandparents never bothered to contact me. it would have been easy enough. my home town remains the home of most of my family. the name certainly would be easy enough to track down.

they, on the other hand, liked to move. about five years ago i began my search for them. after much hope and frustration i found them last year. at first everything seemed to be going very nicely. they sent letters and pictures. i was actually a little overwhelmed because there were aunts and uncles and cousins that were curious and coming at me from every direction. it was nice to be talking with them - i wasn't quite sure how people would react - i didn't think that anyone knew about me.

my biological sister (my dads daughter) has been wonderful. though we haven't met face to face yet, there is a definite bond there. if all else fails i will be happy to know my sister.

the rest of the family can't really be bothered with me. i guess once the thrill wore off they got bored. i have a cousin in toronto that emails me once and a while. and an aunt in toronto and an aunt in edmonton that i hear from now and then. but the grandparents? nuthin. i try not to be dissappointed....after all when i was originally searching for them i kept telling myself that it would be alright with me if they wanted nothing to do with me. but somewhere in there i developed these day dreams about this perfect family. maybe because my family is so dysfunctional. i suppose i was hoping that there was still a chance that i could belong to a regular family. well, not only do they not particularly want anything to do with me, but it would seem that they are extremely dysfunctional as well. not sure why that surprises me. i'm not sure i know of one single "normal" family. normal. ha.

so now all these years later i am learning about my dad from these virtual strangers. they tell me that he was a wonderful man and a phenomial father. now, i don't know why, but that pisses me off. i think i would be happier somehow if i heard about what an asshole he was. how is that for messed up? i can't really explain it. every good story i hear about him i say "oh how great he sounds" and i'm thinking "why didn't i fit into all of that?" yep. a five year old reaction from a 28 year old. but i can't seem to help myself. pathetic.

anyways. that's it. hopefully your family seems a little more "normal" in comparison. has that wine had a chance to breathe yet?