When you're behind closed doors, all alone, by yourself,And you're longing inside to be somebody else
- From The Raccoons Television SeriesWords and Music by Kevin Gillis, Jon Stroll, Stephen Lunt, Performed by Lisa Lougheed

Thought of the Day

The Rock Bottom Remainders have no record contract, no music videosand no Grammy nominations, but have over 78,000 hits on Google
- as found on the home page for the rock bottom remainders

Thirteen Things That Annoy the Hell Out Of Me 1. when the stapler runs out of staples. don't ask me why. it's totally irrational i know. but when it happens it makes me want to throw it across the room. 2. people who don't feel the need to get fully into the turning lane - or people who don't bother at all unless it is clearly marked by little white lines on the road. get out of my way people! 3. people who feel it is necessary to walk around me to stand in front of me while waiting to walk across a street and then proceed to walk at a turtles pace. rrrrr. 4. people who tell me i'm broke because i spend irresponsibly. because i don't. besides bills, i don't spend. i don't shop. i don't eat out. i don't even remember the last time i treated myself to a movie. i'm not an over spender. i'm BROKE!!! 5. when my automatic coffee pot decides to turn itself off after only half an hour (it's supposed to be two hours) resulting in freezing cold coffee. 6.when there are no envelopes at the atm and i have bills to pay and i know that if i don't pay them i will most likely just spend the money on silly things like food 7. when my cat sleeps with his butt in my face and i don't realize it until it's too late. happens all too often i'm afraid 8. people who call to follow up an email they've sent totally negating the entire purpose of email. i hate talking on the phone. that's why i send email. yes, i did get your email. if you would have given me just half a second longer i would have replied to your email. rrrrr. 9. the fact that my fingers are just too damned fat to play guitar but i won't just let it be - or pick something else. i will find a way. oh yes. i will find a way. 10. the fact that i start to get stumped on what to put on lists like these after around point number 8 or so 11. my tv in the bedroom doesn't have a sleep timer. what the hell good is a bedroom tv with no sleep timer. but then it was free.... 12. mixers. as in uptight social events. as in the one i am obligated to attend this evening. i've been practicing the polite smile in the mirror all morning 13. telemarketers. i don't blame people for not donating to charities. i donated to two last year. i have approximately 20 unknown number appear on my phone every day. Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Ivy 2. Inky (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

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The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!

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Thought of the Day

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man, I keep his house.
-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Thought of the Day

"I'm only human."
- Garfield

Are You Ready For This

Alright, so i've had a few people email and otherwise enquire about my fucked up family. grab a glass of wine. hell, grab the bottle..here we go.

my mom was 15 when she found out she was pregnant with me. my dad and his family conveniently moved out of town when they found out about the little situation. now, of course my moms story and my dads familys story differ in regards to what actually happened here and i've resigned myself to the fact that i may never know. so, mom being too young (really just too busy partying) to take care of me i ended up living with my aunt. (yes, it's the same aunt in the death talk feature earlier this month)

my aunt had been married, had one daughter, divorced, and moved back in with her parents. and so i was raised with my aunt as my mom, my cousin as my older (much older) sister, and my grandparents being called mom and dad.

my mom went on to have another long term though extremely abusive relationship resulting in my younger brother and sister. years and years and years later she came to her senses and left the abusive drunken asshole and moved back to her home town. while i always knew that she was my real mom, and she would send gifts and visit when she could, it wasn't until a few years after she moved back to the home town that i really had anything to say to her. now i don't know if i would say that we are fast friends, but we talk, usually weekly, and i go out to visit once or twice a year.

so...lets see....where were we....

dad. right. so he buggered off and i never heard from him. never even really questioned why he wasn't around. years later - i was probably around 10 years old - my mom decided to try to contact him. one extremely awkward phone call later we found out that he had passed away from a brain tumor...or anurism...or something like that.

in the interim, dad had managed to hook up to a woman who had two children (older) from a previous marriage. so i suppose these would be considered my step brother and sister...sort of...i guess. and despite doctors orders to not have a child due to the treatments he was undergoing at the time, he went right ahead and had a daughter - my sister (younger)

so. dad croaks...hey it was inevitable i suppose....and "step mom" goes on to marry dads uncle (i think is how it goes) and they had another girl...solving the mystery of how i have a half sister who is also my third cousin.

*whew* still with me?

after my mom had originally contacted my dads parents there was supposedly a meeting arranged for me and these grandparents. the aunt for some reason was always extremely freaked out about any involvement with them and put a stop to it. people tell me that it was because she was afraid of losing me to a biological family. i don't buy that. though i was too young to really remember i think it was probably that she didn't want more people to realize just what a waste case she was rapidly becoming at this point.

and so no one really followed up with it.

i always thought it strange that these grandparents never bothered to contact me. it would have been easy enough. my home town remains the home of most of my family. the name certainly would be easy enough to track down.

they, on the other hand, liked to move. about five years ago i began my search for them. after much hope and frustration i found them last year. at first everything seemed to be going very nicely. they sent letters and pictures. i was actually a little overwhelmed because there were aunts and uncles and cousins that were curious and coming at me from every direction. it was nice to be talking with them - i wasn't quite sure how people would react - i didn't think that anyone knew about me.

my biological sister (my dads daughter) has been wonderful. though we haven't met face to face yet, there is a definite bond there. if all else fails i will be happy to know my sister.

the rest of the family can't really be bothered with me. i guess once the thrill wore off they got bored. i have a cousin in toronto that emails me once and a while. and an aunt in toronto and an aunt in edmonton that i hear from now and then. but the grandparents? nuthin. i try not to be dissappointed....after all when i was originally searching for them i kept telling myself that it would be alright with me if they wanted nothing to do with me. but somewhere in there i developed these day dreams about this perfect family. maybe because my family is so dysfunctional. i suppose i was hoping that there was still a chance that i could belong to a regular family. well, not only do they not particularly want anything to do with me, but it would seem that they are extremely dysfunctional as well. not sure why that surprises me. i'm not sure i know of one single "normal" family. normal. ha.

so now all these years later i am learning about my dad from these virtual strangers. they tell me that he was a wonderful man and a phenomial father. now, i don't know why, but that pisses me off. i think i would be happier somehow if i heard about what an asshole he was. how is that for messed up? i can't really explain it. every good story i hear about him i say "oh how great he sounds" and i'm thinking "why didn't i fit into all of that?" yep. a five year old reaction from a 28 year old. but i can't seem to help myself. pathetic.

anyways. that's it. hopefully your family seems a little more "normal" in comparison. has that wine had a chance to breathe yet?

Just Say No To Blog

no blogging today. while at the drugstore filling the prescription from mr. devil dentist i found a dvd collection consisting of 15 classic horror movies. now my only dilemma is which vincent price movie to devour....too many choices....

Thought of the Day

"I cannot help but notice there is no problem between us that cannot be solved by yout departure"
- Mark Twain

What Kind Of Soul Are You?

You Are a Traveler Soul

You're a thrill seeker who loves to be active and on the move You love to wander: between places, ideas, and people. A good communicator, you're a nonconformist and interested in the world. You are an explorer, a good storyteller, and a true dreamer. Because you're always on the move, you can be a bit fickle. It's difficult for you to make personal commitments. Don't be so quick to ignore emotional issues and problems. You're much more intuitive and psychic than you think. Souls you are most compatible with: Retrospective Soul and Dreaming Soul

What Kind of Soul Are You?

&*$@*$&%& Part 2

Well, i am officially wisdomless. not that i had much wisdom to begin with. the procedure was more of the same. more slobber. more blood. this time part of the wisdom tooth had grown underneath the last molar, and so there was much more digging and drilling involved. and as such, it's not only the gaping hole in my mouth that is a little sensitive, but all of my teeth on that side. oh - and the other side had developed a bit of an infection which mr. mean dentist poked and prodded at before he started in on the other side. so it hurts. everywhere. BUT he gave me the good drugs this time so it's all good. the sadistic son of a bitch gave me a prescription. yikes. so, swollen and drooling i had to take myself to the drug store to have it filled. i'm sure i was a beautiful sight to behold. i didn't realize just how lazy i am - despite the reasons that i'm at home sitting on my couch i am almost ecstatically happy to be at home sitting on my couch. i am very much looking forward to reading through some blogs (this is getting to be a very time consuming habit) reading some garfield, reading some darwin awards, and drooling quietly into a glass of wine. ah bliss.

This Could Get Interesting

Thirteen Things about ME 1. I really have no idea about code - or blogging at all for that matter 2. My favorite food is lasagna 3. I am a cat lover primarliy, but a dog lover too - you really don't have to be one or the other 4. I regret deeply not being able to pursue a further education - and while I realize I could probably take a course or two now, it wouldn't be the same as "then" 5. I have two tattoos 6. I have had multiple piercings that I have learned that I am regretably too old to look sexy with any more 7. For reasons that I may or may not get into at some point I have a huge flock of siblings - 5 sisters and 2 brothers - I only know 3 of them. 8. One of my sisters is also my third cousin (trust me - it's an interesting story) 9. I get bored very easily with important stuff....but can linger for hours over something stupid 10. I am trying to become a full on vegan - but find it's hard to live without cheese 11. I am a huge animal rights activist and am a member of almost any organization you can think of 12. I was a blonde when I was a kid - and even though my drivers license will still reflect this to be a fact, it's been dyed so many different colors for so long I'm not entirely sure about that any more 13. I am the most indecisive person you would ever meet Links to other Thursday Thirteens! 1. Inky 2. Mama B 3. Cat 4. Dariana (leave your link in comments, I’ll add you here!)

Get the Thursday Thirteen code here!

The purpose of the meme is to get to know everyone who participates a little bit better every Thursday. Visiting fellow Thirteeners is encouraged! If you participate, leave the link to your Thirteen in others comments. It’s easy, and fun! Be sure to update your Thirteen with links that are left for you, as well! I will link to everyone who participates and leaves a link to their 13 things. Trackbacks, pings, comment links accepted!
View More Thursday Thirteen Participants

I Have No Work To Do Today....Can You Tell?

Is anything in this world guaranteed?
Yes, the only guarantee we have in this life is unconditional love from a cat.
- The Crazy Cat People

And More Thoughts. And More Thoughts. Rambling On.

why all this death thought lately? it surrounds me somehow....when i wake up. in the shower. surfing the net. totally out of nowhere i get blindsided by the fact that somewhere deep - way deep - i actually did love her.
"no matter how you feel about your parents now, you will miss them when they are gone"
- source unknown
how fucked up is that? she messed up my life royally when she was around. (the very short span of my life when she was actually around) and now that she is gone (totally prematurely....hell when we cleaned out the apartment it looked like she was actually pulling it together) her memory torments me. i always thought that once she was gone i could finally say goodbye without guilt. that our turbulant relationship would finally rest. but no. and i've forgiven her. it's not that i'm still fuming over some of the things that she's done. maybe it's because i feel ripped off because i never had a mother. i never had someone that kissed my booboos better. or picked me up from school. or consoled a broken heart. or told me how to make cabbage rolls. she never loved me. or if she did she managed to forget about it in her constantly intoxicated state. and yet i mourn her more now than when she first died. why? why can't i just say goodbye and be done with it? or for that matter - when i think about some of the pain she's caused me - why aren't i out there dancing on her grave? why does she haunt me?

Thought of the Day

Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?
- Maxine

Thought of the Day

Don't you sometimes wish your heart was a heart of stone?
- as performed by Cher

Happy What Now?

who decided that to be happy we must be "together"? i will have you know that i am perfectly happy being totally, completely, utterly, desperately, pathetically alone. well. most of the time. i'm tired of the first question from my colleagues on a friday being "what are you up to this weekend?" and the second question being "who are you doing that with?" the response is unvariably "no one" and the result is always someone pitying me. i despise that. alright, so taking myself out for birthday dinner was a little pathetic. but if i don't treat myself who will? okay so choosing tonight to do my grocery shopping because the store will be quiet might be a little lame. but i need groceries! tell ya what. if i could figure out how to meet people i would. it's not that i'm an extreme anti social or anything. usually. but where do you go? and not just to get a date...i mean to really meet people. make friends. enjoy someone elses company for a change. i'm single and in a strange town where i know no one. so.....what? i'm not about to just walk up to strangers and start a desperate super friendly conversation. i'm too old (and too broke) for the bar scene. i work 60+ hours a week - in an environment where everyone is either 10 years younger or 20 years older. i volunteer - but i'm usually there in the evenings and as such i am usually there alone. i've met some really nice people, sure. but how do you move from a friendly introduction and hand shake to a friendship? maybe i am a complete anti social if i don't understand this concept. when someone does finally ask if maybe i'd like to do something sometime i wonder what could possibly be wrong with them that they are talking to me. but i don't worry about that much - it doesn't happen often. it's not that i'm a complete dog either. i'm no beauty queen, but i'm fit. i'm blonde. i'm busty. i'm independant. i'm intellegent. wait. that could be my problem, no? people see me and expect one thing but i guess i'm a bit of a false advertiser. i'm afraid i'm not the ditzy easy sleazy blonde. i have thoughts in my head (once and a while) and choose to express them (more often than perhaps i should) so what's a girl to do? i'll be picking up a bottle of wine (or two) to have with my mac and cheese at home with my cats tonight. happy love smoochie puke day everyone.

Rants of a Bawling Lunatic

I found the most wonderful group of caring people here tonight. I lost my baby girl in October of last year. She had cancer. I think. It's all so confused in my mind. I got home from my grandfathers funeral and noticed that she was sick. After some time (lost in my own self pity probably way too much time) I took her to the vet. They told me a bunch of bullshit. Said that I should try to force pills down her throat and see how it went. I'm stupid. I did it. They ran tests. They wouldn't give me the results. I took her to another vet. They ran tests. Told me to take her home. I called back the minute I walked through the door. She wasn't drinking. She was sick. She was crying. I took her back. We sat in an examination room. She was so quiet. The door was open. She was trying to rest but the fucking door was open. I wanted to close it but thought for some reason that they would forget we were waiting if I did. And so my last sight of her was watching her desperately trying to get some rest in her tiny little carrier with her tail wrapped around her grey velvet nose after a night spent trying to force just a tiny bit of liquid down her throat because just a tiny bit would help her if she would only drink just a tiny bit it would be better.......the vet came and told me that they would admit her. please go and pay. i thought i should turn around and say goodbye. but that would be silly, right? i would be back tomorrow to pick her up, right? but tomorrow brought news that wasn't good. they told me that i could bring her home eventually - maybe - with a feeding tube. they told me that there was still hope. they made my heart break into a million razor sharp pieces when they told me that it was most likely cancer...but it was too early to say. they wanted me to torture her. more tests. more tubes. i said no. they said yes. i shed a million tears a million times over and insisted no. they asked if i wanted to see her one more time. i said no. how could i. what would i say to her. to my beautiful baby girl who depended on me. me. who probably just made the worst possible decision. the decision to let her go instead of hanging in there. she could still be here. oh my god i wish i didn't kill my cat. they told me about feeding tubes and catheters and blood tests and i got scared. i knew she was in pain. but she could have made it. she loved me. and i let her down. let her down...ha. i fucking let her go. just like that. and it doesn't get easier. it gets harder. every day is harder than the last. it's all so selfish. it was selfish of me to bring her home in the first place. the tiny sweetheart of a kitten. it was selfish of me to let her go. and it is selfish of me to want her back. but i do. i want her back. she was scared of my kisses. i don't blame her one bit.

Thought of the Day

The wisdom of others remains dull till it is writ over with our own blood. We are essentially apart from the world; it bursts into our consciousness only when it sinks its teeth and nails into us.
- Eric Hoffer

Two Thoughts In One Day....Can You Handle It?

Modern man likes to pretend that his thinking is wide-awake. But this wide-awake thinking has led us into the mazes of a nightmare in which the torture chambers are endlessly repeated in the mirrors of reason.
- Octavio Paz

Thought of the Day

Riches do not consist in the possession of treasures, but in the use made of them.
- Napoleon Bonaparte

Thought of the Day

When things are bad, we take comfort in the thought that they could always get worse. And when they are, we find hope in the thought that things are so bad they have to get better.
-

@#$%$%%

so i had two of my three remaining wisdom teeth dug out of my skull today. holy shit. not cool. first off - i was scheduled to have all three removed. when i got there the dentist asked me somewhat hesitantly if i still wanted to go ahead with that plan. i basically said that there was no way i would come back and go through this shit again, so yes, please proceed with all three. he says that we'll do two and see how i feel. i say fine. he puts on his gloves and goes for the big ol needle. now, for some reason i could actaully hear the needle going in - sort of like the sound your fork might make if you listened really carefully while you were tenderizing your steak. and he put in tons of the crap. usually i go for the absolute bear minimum of freezing - i despise that feeling when my tongue and lips are frozen - but this time i relented. figured better safe than sorry. so he pulls out his first tool that looks something like a little spatula. he tells me that he is going to do some gum removal. oh good. he is using so much pressure that my head is nodding and turning completely against my will. then he pulls out the tools that mean business. i won't go into incredible detail here because i fear i may get sick to my stomach if i have total recal on all of the details. needless to say i was rather happily ignorant on tooth extraction prior to going into that office. i had the idea that the tooth wasn't really attached by more than a nerve or two and therefore would only have to slice, remove, and stitch. um. not quite. for those who wish to remain blissfully ignorant - or for anyone that has this procedure in your future - you may wish to skip this part. the tooth is actually still a part of your skull. yep. still embedded in the bone. and so there was drilling. and twisting. and bleeding. he was using so much pressure that if he would have slipped a fraction of an inch his little nasty tool would have gone directly into my brain. at this point his lovely assistant is bracing my head so that it can't move. and then he says that i may hear a slight cracking noise. well holy mother of pearl. slight cracking. ha! thought it was my jaw at first. it sounded and felt like my mouth was on the other side of the room. *shudder* when he has number two out he tells me that he really doesn't care if i want the third out today - the first two were so difficult that even if i begged him he wouldn't do it. can't say i wasn't a tad relieved. don't get me wrong - i absolutely dread the idea of going back for more - but i was almost passing out from the pain - and believe it or not, i am no pansy. it is now about five hours later. the eight litres of freezing he put in my head are still running through my system - i am desperately hoping they are on their final lap soon. it's not only the site that hurts. it's everything. but somehow the freezing coming out is making it worse. all of my other teeth hurt now as they now have a little more room to dance. every place he stuck that damned needle in is aching. and my cheek! oh my gods my cheek! i look like i have been smashed across the face with a 2x4. i feel like i've been smashed across the face with a 2x4. not sure if that's just part of the parcel - or if my poor cheek was an innocent bystander in the whole situation being so pulled out of porportion that there was just no hope for the poor once rosy piece of human flesh. they gave me drugs. ibuprofen 600s. i don't know if that is supposed to be the good stuff or not - but it sure ain't helping. i can't eat. i can't swallow. i can't talk. i can just sort of drool and bleed and weep. if you have to have this done...for the love of every god and goddess there ever was or ever will be - have them knock you out. just shut up and pay the man the good money and let them knock you out. i'm going to go sob and bleed for awhile now. the dentist told me i have oozing to look forward to.....can't hardly wait....

Thought of the Day

"I hate to think that all my current experiences will someday become stories with no point."-Calvin (of Calvin and Hobbes)